JOKES PAGE

The story is allegedly true.

The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)
AD 'You say you went to your friend's house that night. Why did you go there?"
WITNESS "Tae get a tap."
AD "Is your friend a plumber?"
WITNESS "Naw man."
AD "Are you a plumber?"
WITNESS "Naw man."
The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money.
Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.
AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"
WITNESS "Naw man."
AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"
WITNESS "Naw man."
In exasperation the AD says, "You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?"
WITNESS "A Sellic tap man."

Once during a game that was not going Glennys way Nathan Aird  was knocked unconscious in a clash of heads as two players went up for a high cross. He was duly stretchered off and Billy Hassan got to work with the magic sponge. The manager had already used his available substitutes and was desperate to get Nathan back into the game.
'How is he?' he asked the manager.
'He's come round,' was the reply. 'But he says he doesn't know who he is.'
'Right,' said the manager, 'Tell him he's Messi and get him back on the park.'

Definition of a good referee

1) Must be fair

2) Must be consistent

3) Must make correct judgements

4) Must be able to stay in control

5) Must award your team at least two penalties and give out two red cards to opposition players

What's the score

Taylor arrives at a football match midway through the second half.
"What's the score?" he asks his friend Chrissy as he settles into his seat.

"Nil-nil," comes the reply.

"And what was the score at half-time?" he asks.

Heavy rain

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, 'OK - we'll take the shallow end!'