JOKES PAGE

The story is allegedly true.

The scene is a Glasgow court and a witness (a ned) is being questioned by a rather plummy mouthed Advocate Depute (AD)
AD 'You say you went to your friend's house that night. Why did you go there?"
WITNESS "Tae get a tap."
AD "Is your friend a plumber?"
WITNESS "Naw man."
AD "Are you a plumber?"
WITNESS "Naw man."
The witness is a bit bewildered by this line of questioning and the AD realises it, but notices that the court police officer is rubbing his fingers of one hand together in the universal gesture of money.
Daylight apparently dawns on the AD and he changes his line of questioning accordingly.
AD "So you went to the house to borrow money?"
WITNESS "Naw man."
AD "Ah. You went to the house to lend money?"
WITNESS "Naw man."
In exasperation the AD says, "You told the court you went to your friend's house for a tap. What kind of a tap was it?"
WITNESS "A Sellic tap man."

Once during a game that was not going Glennys way Nathan Aird  was knocked unconscious in a clash of heads as two players went up for a high cross. He was duly stretchered off and Billy Hassan got to work with the magic sponge. The manager had already used his available substitutes and was desperate to get Nathan back into the game.
'How is he?' he asked the manager.
'He's come round,' was the reply. 'But he says he doesn't know who he is.'
'Right,' said the manager, 'Tell him he's Kaka and get him back on the park.'

Definition of a good referee

1) Must be fair

2) Must be consistent

3) Must make correct judgements

4) Must be able to stay in control

5) Must award your team at least two penalties and give out two red cards to opposition players

Heavy rain

A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.

However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.

The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, 'OK - we'll take the shallow end!'

A great footballer was tragically killed and arriving at heaven's gates, he came face-to-face with the angel on duty.

"Is there any reason why you shouldn't be allowed to enter the kingdom of heaven?" asked the angel.

"Well," said the footballer, "there was one time when I cheated in a major international football game."

"I see," said the angel, "tell me about it."

"Well," said the footballer, "I was playing for Ireland against France and I used my hand to push the ball past a French defender. The referee didn't see it and I went on to score."

"And what was the final score?" asked the angel.

"That was the only goal," said the footballer, "We won one-nil."

"Well, that's not too serious. I think we can let you in," said the angel.

"Oh terrific!" exclaimed the footballer, "It's been on my mind for years. Thanks a lot, St: Peter."

"That's OK," said the angel, ushering the footballer in, "and by the way, it's St. .Peter's day off today,                I'm St. Patrick."

Alec Crossan : Wahey Wullie! ken that jiggisaw puzzle I wiz doing? Yeel never guess - I've finished it and only took me 6 months!

Wullie Logue : Well, what's so good about 6 months???

Alec: Like it says Wullie - on the box it said '3 to 6 years'

A Celtic fan is walking home from a match in his Celtic kit. He fancies a drink, walks into a bar and found himself surrounded by blue and white. He's walked into a Rangers' bar. A deadly silence falls over the pub. Then the barman clears his throat and says, "In here, we give Celtic fans a toll of the dice. "If you roll one to five, we kill you."The Celtic fan replies,"What happens if I roll a six?"
"You get to roll again.